Mommy to a beautiful girl ❤

we celebrated your life on Saturday.

and it was as beautiful as you are.

listening to everyone share how much of an impact you made on them and all those around you. truly heartwarming.

I had a lot of people come up to me to share their condolences and every single one of them told me how I was the light of your life. and how you were always talking about me and how proud of the person I was. and I held it together with every statement.

but I am not able to anymore. and I am so happy I got to spend the last 25 years with you. it will never really be enough time, but it never would have been. you were the light of MY life. you have given me so many memories and I will never be able to thank you enough for all of them. I will miss you so dearly. it’s been 2 weeks without you and I can tell you I have never felt more empty in my life.

the amount of death in my life in the last almost 5 years is disgusting and all of them being some of the most important people in my life. it is such a traumatizing period. but I am at some peace with you all being reconnected again.

grandma, I love you, lots and lots. with all of my being. ❤ give Nana and grandpa the biggest hug for me. because if I could I would join you all in a heartbeat. ❤

have you ever heard someone you love so dearly stop breathing…

did you feel it?

did you ever catch your breath afterwards…?

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Sure, if you really want to.

I am heartbroken.

why is this happening? why in the world would something so detrimental be happening to such a kind soul. where the hell did the world find the audacity to take away so much from a beautiful individual. why is it that no matter the amount of good someone does and how genuine they are as a human being means that they deserve such torture. to not be able to communicate in the simplest of forms. to be taken away from their own life and still be alive to endure such trauma. why the FUCK? this doesn’t even seem possible but it is the realest fucking thing. it is driving me insane to even bring myself to believe that I’m not in a damn nightmare.

that damn woman deserves so much more than this and if I could switch places with her I would in a heartbeat. I am so fucking broken.

I can not even begin to imagine how you are feeling. although if I tried I would say you are frustrated, upset and confused. and most definitely scared; so damn scared. I can see it in your face.

I hope you know that we love you so fucking much and that we are trying everything there is to help you. I know this is not the life you would want to live. I want to stop your pain and suffering. I want you to know that you are so much stronger than it may seem right now.

I am so heartbroken, that I am furious.

we will get through this one way or the other, just know we are fighting right along side you.

5 birthdays you have been gone and I can tell you that every year seems to fly by, but I wish it would rewind. I wish we were spending your birthday with you. life is not fair and it’s not for the weak of heart. and grandpa I am so weak hearted because this is just not getting easier. I would do ANYTHING to be able to see you again. just to hear your voice again. I love you lots and lots.

your tooley bell ❤

I only look nice for work when it’s overtime and a damn Saturday when no one will see me… 😂 the irony

I’ve always been so hard on myself on everything I put my mind to, especially in my job ethic. At work I was told how appreciated I was for all of my hard work & progress in the little time I have been here. My manager told me she was so proud of me and that she sees such growth for me here. She noticed that I hold myself to such high standards and that I am frequently low balling my abilities. I am getting a raise soon also so that’s pretty nice.

My self esteem has been broken and shattered throughout my life and just to hear her heartfelt review of my performance as an employee & person made me realize, even just in the moment, that I am good enough.

I am enough.